nothings.

i'm falling fast. this high was short-lived, never a constant. i watched you grow-up you know? i wish i could of helped you more, but where would we go? this life is filled with faltering promises and mislead loves and hope and dreams... when will you know, young one? how will you know? as breath kisses your lips and forms a fog around your head, how will you know? this goes skin deep.
all of these past lives will come back to haunt you, but i will protect you. i will hold on to you until there is nothing left to hold. we are the painters of this world. we are the poets of this dark freedom. hand-in-hand until there is nothing left to hold.
i cry your tears too, young one. our longings are the same. it kills me to find something to fight for when there is nothing left... well then, let us fight for nothing.
hold your nothing flag high, scream your nothing chants until the whole world listens.
i am the fly on the wall.
i will listen to your nothings.

never out loud.

this vapor rises, mutates the frame of your body, like a hot summer's day. i'll try to hold on to this memory, even if it's of my own creation. this never happened.

what now, love? say it out loud, love. never out loud.. always on paper or in my head.

never out loud.

i try to sleep but my dreams are make-believe.

i'm not always like this... this nostalgia, this emptiness, this hope... it's not mine, it's yours. i admit, i stole it, but tell me this.. do you ever look in the mirror and tell yourself that these people love you. that they are proud of you. can't you just take the damn compliment? that anyone of these people would be crazy not to want you around... i am not deserving of such things..

things like life, like love, like connection.

bitter, the taste you can give me.

never out loud, i will only love you here, on paper, through my pen, in my head.

now tell me this... how well do you know me..? are these words filled with truth or are they empty? i will put these words to music just to see if you are listening.

i'm screaming in my head... but that is where all of this belongs... only in my head.

never out loud.

never a dull moment. watching the sunset fade over these colorado mountains. through all of that, i am lost. i know where i stand. in this field, this park, so many days... so many wasted because you never knew.

or have you known all along..?

look at me. LOOK AT ME! talking in riddles, hoping someone can decipher what i am trying to say.

i am that vapor rising. i am the alteration in this existence, i am the wave. i am the ocean, the rain... i am lost.

lost.

and still.. i have fallen. hard. scraped my knees, wiping the ten-year-old tears from my twenty-something eyes... i cry to heaven, why is this happening?

and i am answered by the rain... never out loud.

lame-o

this night, always... shines through. i love night. it's when i get to be with you.

i've got it bad huh?

afraid.

one more time please.

get out of my head, this lust is making my heart hurt.
i can't forget it, i'm lost in this dismal fog until you find me.

what am i trying to pull..?

you'll never notice me anyways..

"i think i know you best when i sleep..."

forever.

squeeze that diamond into dust.

make me bleed and make it rust.

i try so hard to dry your eyes,

nothing's whole until it dies.

9:58 p.m.

sane night - different world.
at peace? i should
be different - if i could
see my face? - lips curled.
wide west wind - watch it blow
if i could smile - you would know.
life lingers near - frost breath
like snow.
my soul, like fire is unfurled.
the clouds blow soft -
child's breath
i'll do my best -
my best is yet.
night lingers near - light is fear
as dew trickles down
your face so near.
same night - different story
what's too bold?
miss, sad, glory.
my demons - come true
lies and skies stay blue
and all that's left
is your hand to hold.
all that's left..
old stories told.

i'm goooood at trying too hard.

i suppose...
i'm tired.
i'm lost.
i'm content.
i'm alone.
i'm afraid.
i'm light.
i'm dark.

i'm not coming back.