jukebox, juicebox, lunchbox, hip-hop.

hello again, my mindless muse.

these reactions keep my mind still, but i can still feel the pumping of blood, thick, through my veins.
in my lungs.
fill it with expectations, like smoke. fitting the mold. my name embossed of the the side... in gold lettering... stating 'here rests the shell of a soul.'
so suddenly, my dreams feel too cliche to write down... my brain pulsates and penetrates my beating heart. two separate, thinking, moving things and they are at war most of the time.

what i've come to realize is...

life is only a short heartbeat in the span of the universe. how sad... that life is only one heartbeat and nothing else. i also suppose that without that one heartbeat, the universe would be dead for that instant. same as yours...

funny how i think of these things when i am at my lowest point. funny how they tell us not to sweat the small stuff when the small stuff usually means the most.

but could one single life mean so much? to the world? to who?

this is more of what is to come... love..? i don't know.

how to react..

i'll just sleep on it.

far fetched dreams shift to...

do not grasp it.. be gentle, kind. try to catch it.
fireflies in jars, the scent of wet grass...

i am NOT a liability. i am NOT an eating disorder. i am NOT a diabetic. i am me. a soul in human form and i want to LIVE. i want to take the path less traveled. i DO NOT want to coast through this realm. i want to taste it, i want to get dirty, i want to FEEL. I AM NOT MY PAST AND REFUSE TO BE DEFINED BY IT! hi! i'm angie and i am not a fragment. i am the whole... i am whole.

what is this reality? who am i? what am i? can you touch it.. the sky? the moon, the stars?
lovely how i hold my head up high while a war rages inside me.
i'm done pretending.
life is left for the living. god do i want to live... so much so.

i can taste it.

can you?

we've known each other for ages... and yet this is something new. i can't stand how much you repeat yourself. i am more than what you say i am.

this liquid energy rests in my chest. i can't breathe through this negativity and i stay awake while you suck the life from my body... and my soul.
how i long for you to be there for me as you should...
you are my mother after all...

i cannot penetrate these ties that hold us close... these that strangle and mutate... i am here to break the mold.

there is a crack in it... i can see the light through it... that is all that i need.
i am mourning the loss... there could be worse things i suppose..

the smoke, it billows...

old and new
tied in knots
the moon came out
to play...

i stand in the reflective shadows, squinting to see this person's face in the dark. i am lost in a dream-like state, among flowers, songs, smoke rings and frozen things.
this colorado winter has it in for us.
i try not to blink as i take it all in. one lost millisecond provides a dent in my memory. inside this wood. iced plants, flowers, fruit, all dead by the hands of winter. frost. our words rise like puffs of smoke... only the angels know which way to go.

i think i think too much... i think..

oh is this really killing me.? it is. you hold my hand, but in every action, i sense a chill. something cold in how i was kissed. hard, unloving, filled with... something i can't touch.

who knew..?

i was kissing a mirror.

i'm sorry.

fuck... i tried... i don't know what to do anymore. i'm done. i'm gone... why tonight? why you? why does this hurt so much..?

i think my past is catching up with me.

true dat.

so... this is what keeps me awake at night.

do you think that maybe, just maybe, we create our own hell?

well, sir, i've been wondering the same thing..